Let’s get physical

Women journalists, bloggers and other writers went on the record in the UK quality press last year about threats and abuse they’ve been subjected to simply for expressing their opinions in writing. It reminded me of my suspicions that I’d been treated unfairly, and certainly viewed in a bad light, for being a forthright and assertive woman who was unafraid to express her opinion in the workplace (or elsewhere for that matter).

Although, thankfully, no one threatened me with violence or suchlike I recall one particular occasion where a colleague complained to my boss that I’d been aggressive in a team meeting when hand on heart I can say that although I had disagreed with the female complainant in said meeting, I was not aggressive. I simply made my point. I thought her suggestion was a bad idea for our team and disagreed with what she was saying.

I also remember telling my male boss that I thought it a ridiculous complaint and him responding that ‘other people’ (it turned out this actually meant one other colleague – who was a man not known for beating about the bush) had made the same observation about me. That was when it hit me. It wasn’t about me being ‘aggressive’ it was about me being a woman who dared to speak her mind when she thought something wasn’t right.

I could think of countless times when my boss or male colleagues had shot ideas down in flames, sometimes in a less than gentle manner, but no one complained about them. But it wasn’t fashionable to point sexism out in our relatively leftwing and politically correct workplace (How could such a thing happen here? Don’t be silly etc etc) so I ended up putting it away and wondering whether my feminist antennae were being over-sensitive. Until I read about the reactions from some quarters to women writing their opinions. And then I remembered something else.

I was suddenly reminded of my 18-year-old self. I was heavily influenced by the film Thelma and Louise, by another less well known Australian film called Shame* and by the character of Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. I wanted to be physically strong, muscular and tough and literally able to take on all comers – especially sexists and misogynists. I was full of fight and, back then, I was aggressive, and belligerent too. I wanted there to be a battle. I wanted to be as violent to those men who hate and hurt women as they are to us.

Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor in Terminator 2

I feel now that my younger self was wrong in her desire to be violent but I still believe that it is a good thing for a woman to be able to successfully physically defend herself should she be attacked and that physical strength is something women and girls should aspire to and not be ashamed of possessing. So I was overjoyed to read this article by Julie Bindel: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2012/feb/03/michelle-obama-ellen-press-up-feminist in which she expresses many of the same views I have and also hails one of my role models Sarah Connor (Yes, I still think she is marvellous!).

While many battles of feminism have been won, leading to laws on the statute book that ban discrimination on the grounds of sex, there is still a war to be waged against attitudes to women that would put us in tiny little boxes and try to make us all behave according to a narrow set of so-called feminine norms.

Instead of things getting better, on this front over the last 20 or so years they have become worse, the rise of sexualised culture, the prevalence of reality TV and the lack of diversity in the representations of women in the media generally – as if the only females that existed were thin, enthusiastic about baring their breasts and desperate to be looked at; rather than coming in all shapes and sizes and being capable of ACTUALLY DOING things rather than merely parading around while people watch them doing nothing (or pretending to be lesbians).

It may take a great deal of courage to refuse to behave in the way ‘women are expected to’ but the more of us that do the easier it will become for us to be who we really are and the harder it will be for those who want to diminish us.

And if you think it’s aggressive of me to say so you know what you can do with it.

 

*Shame was released in the late 1980s and starred Deborra-Lee Furness as a motorcycling lawyer who tries to win justice for a young woman who has been gang-raped in an isolated outback town. The strong, independent and leather clad Furness was a potent role model for me – despite the outcome of the story.

How to be angry

I was quite shocked when I realised that I hadn’t written anything for this blog since August, partly it comes down to prioritising paid writing over blogging, but there’s more to it than that.

It is both an exciting and frightening time to be a woman. Exciting because there is a lot of feminist activism going on and some decent coverage of it in the mainstream press, but terrifying in terms of the way women are still being viewed as sex objects and the way our culture has legitimised this, the way that violence against women, including rape, is taken lightly and even viewed as something to joke about (a man I know innocently told me this joke last week: “What time does an Indian wife-beater start hitting his missus? At six o’clock, on the dot.”) and the fact that the UK coalition government’s austerity measures are hitting women so hard that it threatens the progress that has been made towards equality.

Then there are the things I read or hear about in the news. The conviction of Vincent Tabak for the murder of 25 year old landscape architect Joanna Yeates and the apparent sexual motive of the killing;  the murder of 21 year old Casey Brittle by her ex-partner even though she had complained to the police about him many times (there being little comfort in the fact the Independent Police Complaints Commission found the Nottinghamshire force had failed to protect her) and the ongoing debate about the way women journalists and bloggers are threatened and condemned for expressing their opinions in print and online. So many stories about women being criticised, abused and killed because they are women.

I thought about writing about many of these things but when it came to it I was overwhelmed and got no further than being shocked, saddened and angered, which reminded me of a poem by a fantastic writer called Joolz Denby, who used to go simply by the name Joolz when publishing and performing her poetry.

Fuel to the flame (which you can read in full here: http://joharrington.blogspot.com/2011/09/fuel-to-flame-by-joolz.html) resonates that dreadful feeling of being overwhelmed by one’s anger but there is a line that seems to offer a little advice on how not to waste it:

“And it takes control to be angry, you must be precise, get hold of the twisting screaming thing each day and leash it tight, because otherwise you burn up inside and nothing gets done…”

So, I will put my anger on its leash once more and try to find productive ways of using it so that it doesn’t get the better of me.

'Fuel to the flame' can be found in The Pride of Lions by Joolz Denby.

My starting point for this mission is to attend the FEM 11 conference in London this weekend, where issues such as abortion rights, women-only activism, ending violence against women, the sexual objectification of women and fighting back against the government cuts that threaten women’s equality are on the agenda and a host of women’s organisations are represented.

If I manage to keep my anger in check I’ll report back on how feminist activists are channelling their anger and on my efforts to do the same.

UK Feminista is the organiser of FEM 11. Read more about it here: http://ukfeminista.org.uk/events/fem-11-agenda/

Find out more about the brilliant Joolz Denby here: http://www.joolzdenby.co.uk/

Read about what happened to Casey Brittle and the findings of the IPCC investigation here:  http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/oct/18/police-failed-mother-beaten-death-casey-brittle

Irritating everyday sexism: Dirty mums are making kids ill (allegedly)

Mums are more concerned about whether the kids wash their hands after going to the loo than they are about germs on the family computer. Eighty per cent of mums do clean the pc though, but apparently they don’t do it often or thoroughly enough – despite increasing evidence that computer keyboards can contain more bacteria than a loo seat.

I gleaned all this from a press release I received today issued by a company, AF International, which makes computer cleaning products. They arranged a poll of 1,000 UK mums in order to gather statistics about family hygiene habits. The poll also found that more than a quarter of mums reported their children were laid low by a mystery sickness or unspecified illness for one day or more in the last three months and seemed to suggest that mum not cleaning properly was to blame.

Here’s the part of the release in question: “From this evidence [referring to kids being unwell as described above], it would appear that mums are right to focus on the personal hygiene of family members but the poll findings call into question whether they are focusing their cleaning efforts in the right place.” [My emphasis].

I realise this is just a press release and not an article in the BMJ, but what an outrageous conclusion to jump to. The kids are under the weather so they must have picked up a bug from all the time they spend on the dirty computer their mum doesn’t know how/can’t be bothered to clean. No mention of how some kids swing the lead to get a day off school (I know about this because I did it all the time), or questions about how clean the computer in the classroom is, just jump straight into ‘blame the mother’.

Obviously this company isn’t the first or only to use, abuse and/or demonise women to publicise and sell its products but that doesn’t exempt them from criticism. Acknowledging the fact that it’s mostly women who clean the house is one thing,  blaming us for not doing it properly and making our children ill while at the same time ignoring the facts that other members of a household also ought to shoulder some responsibility for keeping the place clean and the home isn’t the only place children are exposed to germs is plumbing the depths.

I’ve got a great solution for stopping your kids picking up germs from the computer though, don’t let them use it. Give them a book to read or play a board game with them instead.

Risking life & limb using potentially germ ridden, deathtrap laptop.

Here’s a link to the full press release so you can make up your own mind about it:

http://www.sourcewire.com/releases/rel_display.php?relid=66547

Letter to a stepdaughter about make-up

Dear T,

I’m sorry I was annoyed when you came home from your school disco the other evening. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I was just surprised because you were wearing a lot more make-up than I thought you ought to be. I thought the green eye shadow I gave you was more than enough and that mascara was a step too far for an 11-year-old attending her primary school disco – even if it is your last one before going up to Big School!

I can’t actually send you this letter (it will probably form one of the chapters in “I’ll tell you when you’re 18” though) but I wanted to explain why I don’t think you should be wearing make-up just yet.

Make-up basically makes your eyes look bigger, your lips fuller and in some cases makes your cheeks appear flushed. Although the reasons why women wear make-up may have changed over time, making the face up has its basis in sexual attraction and at 11 you are obviously way too young for that.

I know you’re already going through puberty and that, coupled with your height, makes you look older than you are. You are starting to become aware that you don’t look 11, as shown by your friends not believing your age when you went camping at half term – but mentally and emotionally you are still a child.

That isn’t meant to be patronising or negative. It is just a fact. You are starting to mature, but you’ve a good few years to go yet before you have the life experience that puts you on the road to adulthood. Until you get there you will make yourself vulnerable if you wear clothes and make-up that make you look more mature than you actually are.

I know you think (as all kids past, present and probably future do) that I don’t understand because I’m older than you and things have changed since I grew up – in the ‘olden days’ – but if you have your own kids one day I think you’ll understand that’s not the full story.

Wearing make-up is adult behaviour and is related to attracting a mate. That basically makes it the first step towards a physical relationship and, as you know from the PSHE classes you’ve had recently, sex education isn’t called The Facts of Life for nothing.

I realise I am jumping way ahead. Your reasons for wanting to wear make-up are probably more to do with having a fun time putting it on in the company of your mates, but by wearing it you are heading into the territory I’ve described above – whether you realise it or not. The trouble with that is you are sending out a message about yourself without understanding what that message is and without intending to send it, but those around you will get the message and my fear is they will respond. Their response might be nice, or it might be nasty, but either way it is something you shouldn’t have to deal with.

You’re 11. You have your whole life ahead of you. It might be annoying to have to wait but there’ll be plenty of time for wearing make-up when you’re older and you understand the implications of it. I’m not asking you to wait a hundred years – just two or three and maybe by then you’ll have worked out why I didn’t want you caked in mascara at 11.

Lots of love,

Soph.xxx

Lady you can drive my car… but I’d rather you could drive your own

Celebrating and supporting the Women2Drive campaign in Saudi Arabia

I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I wasn’t allowed to drive. Although I didn’t start learning until I was 26, passing my test and getting my own car has played a major role in being able to be an independent woman.

My first car, a battered Ford Fiesta, cost me just £50. I only had her (she was called Bessie) for about six months but there are countless things I might not have done without her – including my journalism training.

I’ve had three different cars since then and have driven all over the UK, from Cornwall in the west of England, to Norwich in the east and as far north as Aberdeen in Scotland. Much of my driving is to visit friends or to see my favourite band, New Model Army, wherever they might be playing and I’ve made new friends who also travel to see them.

Being able to drive, having my own car and being able to go where I want when I want have shaped, influenced and probably revolutionised my life. It has allowed me to stay in touch with old friends and strengthen ties with newer ones; it’s enabled me to work, as I’ve often had to commute, and when I was a newspaper reporter I couldn’t have done my job without being able to drive to places to interview people or cover the events that made stories; it’s allowed me to escape boredom and loneliness by going places to take my mind off things or be with other people; I’ve been able to give lifts to friends and family and I’ve even helped people move house.

Without a car, the weekly shop (for a family of four) couldn’t be done in one go (I can’t imagine how long it would take or how many times I’d have to go back and forth) and I’d be dependent on the willingness of others to take me places – which would have a huge impact on both my work life and social life.

I expect that many of us take driving for granted, but be in no doubt, having your own car, which you can drive where and when you like, is an empowering thing for a woman in any country.

So, today, I’m thinking of all the women in Saudi Arabia who don’t have the freedom that I have and wishing good luck to those taking part in the Women2Drive campaign (see link below) which asks women to get behind the wheel and to post images and videos of themselves driving. This campaign of direct action will apparently continue until the ban on women driving is lifted. Let’s hope they don’t have to wait too long.

Further reading:

These are the Facebook pages of the campaign. Click on Like to show your support:

https://www.facebook.com/Women2Drive

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Women2drive-Manal-and-Bertha-Woman2drive-17-June-Saudi-Arabia/176962935691371

This is a link to BBC coverage of the driving protest:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-13809684

And this is Amnesty International’s view of the issue:

http://www.amnesty.org/en/for-media/press-releases/women-activists-prepare-defy-saudi-arabian-driving-ban-2011-06-16

 

Supporting #Women2Drive behind the wheel of my own car

Wherever you are, next time you get in to your car, spare a thought for Saudi women who would love the freedom to do the same.

Un-ewe-sual art exhibit

I will admit that I’m something of a cynic. It can take a lot to impress me, so when I was walking past Exeter’s Cathedral Green last week and spotted something that had a genuine wow factor I thought I ought to blog about it.

I could see a marquee on the green so I turned my head out of        curiosity as to why it was there and was confronted by a load of multi coloured animals assembled on the grass. Wondering, probably out loud, “What the hell IS that?” I walked over to find out.

The animals turned out to be a flock of more than 150 life sized resin sheep painted in styles inspired by famous artists such as Van Gogh, Picasso and Andy Warhol. They were decorated by small groups of pupils, aged 5-16, from local schools to celebrate the refurbishment of the Cathedral Green.

The Flock, to give this splendid spectacle its proper name, is (sadly) no longer being exhibited on the green itself but can be seen inside the cathedral until 24 May.

My normal, cynical view of things will resume in my next post.

Victorian parenting … and feminism

Despite the fact that I find parenting stressful more often than not, on balance becoming stepmum to my partner’s two daughters has mostly added something positive to my life. It has given me new insight and made me look at the world differently. I enjoy sharing things with my stepdaughters and I like making them laugh but one of the things that troubles me about the role is the way that even though they are not yet teenagers they often – if not usually – challenge everything they are told to do (eg, Go to bed, Clean your teeth, Turn the television off now etc) and when the boundaries are confirmed will sometimes say, “But you’re allowed to do it…” or “You’re not going to bed”, as if children should be allowed to do exactly what adults do and not to allow them to do so is somehow mean and unfair.

The effect their attitude has on me is to make me feel I have to be a textbook perfect human who never does anything ‘wrong’ or ‘naughty’ and who always maintains ‘standards’ – because if I relax in their presence and do something that they are told not to do they will seize on it and use it against me in the future.

The question is, does doing things we tell our children not to do make us hypocrites? Or are we just bringing them up to be well-rounded decently behaved people with good manners – like ourselves – knowing that once they reach maturity they’ll understand why it isn’t ok to let the kids do everything they want?

I believe the latter. While I’m not a Victorian Parent, and I also appreciate that my stepdaughters are growing up in a different world to the one I was a child in, I think they have to learn about rules and the consequences of not sticking to them and also that there’s a lot to be said for being polite and respectful – not blindly – but that being able to express oneself properly will take you a long way in life. While screaming and shouting, refusing to do what you’re told and not bothering to do the things you know you have to do will, in adult life, lose you friends, jobs and many of the things that make life worth living.

I think I need to remind myself of that next time I worry about being a hypocrite. There are different rules for adults and children with good reason. Successful parenting is as much about saying no as it is about making sure no harm comes to your kids.

On another note, I wonder if having daughters – or stepdaughters – strengthens us as feminists or even creates feminists out of hitherto unengaged women.

I’ve been a feminist since I was around 18, or at least that’s when I discovered what feminism actually meant, but I feel an even stronger drive to do something to achieve equality for women now that I am a part of the lives’ of two girls who I desperately want to grow up as confident, capable, happy individuals who won’t be cowed or held back by the sexist attitudes still prevalent in society today.

I was lucky enough to be brought up to be incredibly confident and to believe there wasn’t much I couldn’t do if I wanted to. As a little girl, Wonder Woman was my hero. She inspired me and added to my growing confidence as a girl. I feel sad that my stepdaughters don’t have such a powerful, feminist role model today.

There is so much more in their childhood world than there was in mine (computers, internet, 24 hour television) but that seems to have diminished childhood and threatened to shorten it rather than enriched it. They are exposed to so many representations of womanhood and adulthood that it is virtually impossible to keep an eye on them all – but we owe it to our daughters to try and while it’s not a good idea to ban them from engaging in the modern world it doesn’t do any harm to switch off the adverts between TV shows and steer them away from things like pornified pop music videos.

The sexism in society today, in the early 21^st Century, seems to me as bad, and sometimes worse than, examples from 30 or 40 years ago albeit not as prevalent as it was then. It hasn’t arisen out of a vacuum. Whether it’s the product of our culture, or our culture gives it the oxygen of life, there IS something we can do about it and wanting to do something about it doesn’t mean you’re an hysterical, ugly, man-hating harridan.

It means you’re a confident woman, who respects herself and knows she has a right to be treated with respect by others and/or you’re a mother, stepmum, carer, auntie, nan, grandma, teacher or godmother to one or more girls who you want to grow up believing in themselves no matter what popular culture tells them.

If you want to read more about other women working to protect and inspire our daughters and all girls, here are a few links for you to follow.

http://www.pinkstinks.co.uk/

http://www.object.org.uk/home

http://sexperienceuk.channel4.com/stop-pimping-our-kids

http://www.scarylittlegirls.co.uk/about-us

http://www.newmoon.com/

http://blogs.newmoon.com/parent-girls/

Now, where are my Wonder Woman DVDs…? I’ve got a date with my stepdaughters.

Flat-chested children don’t need bras!

Last year I wrote a news story for The Guardian when I discovered that Marks and Spencer was selling bras for six-year-olds. They still sell these garments, but after my story was published they stopped calling them bras and changed the text on their website that had suggested they were a good way of getting girls used to wearing a bra.

The Marks and Spencer 'crop top' for girls aged 6-8

I wrote the story because I was shocked that anyone could think that flat-chested little girls were in any way in need of a bra and because of the connotations that go with wearing one.

We live in a society where most parents’ worst nightmare is the idea that someone might kidnap and/or sexually abuse their child. I don’t want to become part of the scaremonger brigade, because most of our kids will grow up safely without ever encountering that kind of horror. But given it’s a concern for so many parents, why do we put up with anything that sexualises children and makes them grow up too quickly?

I’m writing about this issue again because I recently met an eight-year-old friend of my stepdaughter’s who was wearing what she called a ‘trainer bra’ and who proceeded to tell me that it kept ‘her boobs nice and comfy’. I couldn’t stop myself from saying: “But you haven’t got any!”

I told the rather embarrassed looking kid that I’d written a story about such ‘bras’ for a newspaper and she looked even more embarrassed. She told me that she couldn’t recall if it had been her idea or her mum’s that she should begin wearing a trainer bra, but that it wasn’t a recently purchased garment. She had been wearing them for some time.

I know some will probably criticise me for singling out this little girl as an angle for my blog (some don’t even like me writing about my stepdaughters), but I was so shocked that I can’t stop thinking about it even now.

‘Boobs’ are not only a secondary sexual characteristic they signify that a female is no longer a child. Wearing a bra, similarly, demonstrates that one has gone, or is in the process of going, from childhood to adulthood. What does it mean for an eight year old to see herself this way, especially when she actually has no breasts yet. Does she imagine herself a woman in other ways? Does she feel a pressure to behave like a woman rather than a girl?

The implications of this are a minefield, not to mention the various studies – including Linda Papadopoulos’ Sexualisation of Young People Review – indicating that if children are pressured to view themselves as sexual from an early age they will suffer the consequences when they come of age. Ms Papadopoulos even highlights online games aimed at children which encourage sexualised behaviour and says that girls report being under increasing pressures to display themselves online in their ‘bra and knickers’ or bikinis which begs the question, will an eight-year-old, who sees herself as having boobs and needing to wear a bra, think it’s a cool to pose in said ‘bra’ if something on the internet suggests she should? And even if there are no unwanted consequences of children wearing these pseudo bras while they are still children, how might it affect their view of womanhood and of themselves once they are women?

Through being a stepmum I’ve learned just how much kids like to push boundaries and how difficult (and unfair) they find it that there are things that adults are allowed to do that children are forbidden to do – but if we don’t make the distinction how can we be sure that they’ll grow up safely and become the healthy, happy, capable adults we’d like them to be?

You can read Linda Papadopoulos’ report for yourself here: http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20100418065544/http://homeoffice.gov.uk/documents/Sexualisation-of-young-people.html

Irritating everyday sexism

I was walking through the town centre the other day when I spotted a new shop. I browsed its window display to see if it sold anything worthwhile and was confronted with this example of casual sexism (see pic below).

'Her Tools' - 6-Piece Ladies Tool Kit. Grrrr!

The contents were such an odd mix that it was obvious that the colour was designed to be the main selling point. As if women will buy something purely because it is pink (admittedly a con that many have already fallen for and/or bought into), or will be put off buying unless it is pink.

I would have been less annoyed had the tool selection been well thought out, but it was yet another crass money-maker rather than a ‘practical but pretty’ set. It included kitchen scissors, hammer, spirit level, tape measure, long nose pliers and an adjustable screwdriver that seemed to have a set of particularly obscure/useless heads.

I’ve had a tool bag since I left home and added to it over the years and none of the contents of ‘Her Tools’ were high on my list of priorities. It took me ten years to get to the point where I needed to buy a hammer, but my screwdriver set and adjustable spanners have regularly come in handy.

In the grand scheme of sexism this tool kit obviously scores low on the list of things we need to worry about, but at the same time it struck me as an example of the insidious nature of our culture which continues to quietly slip in these little suggestions that women aren’t equal and manages to do so mostly unchallenged.

Have you come across any examples of casual sexism while out shopping? What (if anything) did you do about them?

Boy beats girl…

I was waiting outside school with the dog the other afternoon, while my partner picked up one of his daughters, when I witnessed something horrifying. A girl, of maybe nine or ten, was being chased down the street by a boy around the same age. When he caught up with her, he grabbed her by the hair and began to kick her. My instant reaction was to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. He looked shocked and backed off. Both he and the girl stopped while I gave him a telling off about violent behaviour. I said it was wrong and he should never do it and told the girl she shouldn’t let him do it. I also threatened to tell his teacher and parents if I saw him doing it again. He looked suitably ashamed but the girl defiantly said to me: “It was fun though.” As if I was completely out of touch with what passed for fun these days.

I have no regrets about telling him off. Even though I didn’t know the children I think it’s every adult’s duty to speak up when they see what looks like a child being bullied and beaten up whoever the perpetrator is. In this instance, I also couldn’t help imagining the same scenario when these two kids were 20 years older and the thought of that horrified me – even more so because that little girl seemed to think it was perfectly ok to let a boy treat her like that.

Until I became a stepmother (nearly two-and-a-half years ago) I had no experience of kids. I had opinions about parenting and how to deal with children, but they were naïve as I had nothing practical to base them on other than having been a child myself. Now, with experience, I firmly believe that kids need moral guidance and strong role models if they are to grow up to be decent, well balanced, active members of society. If they aren’t set the right sort of example then they’ll grow up believing it is acceptable for a man to grab a woman’s hair and kick her and I don’t want my stepdaughters to have to live in that sort of world.

Links for further reading:

http://www.realmancampaign.com/

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

http://www.plan-uk.org/newsroom/fear-violence-plague-city-girls/