Un-ewe-sual art exhibit

I will admit that I’m something of a cynic. It can take a lot to impress me, so when I was walking past Exeter’s Cathedral Green last week and spotted something that had a genuine wow factor I thought I ought to blog about it.

I could see a marquee on the green so I turned my head out of        curiosity as to why it was there and was confronted by a load of multi coloured animals assembled on the grass. Wondering, probably out loud, “What the hell IS that?” I walked over to find out.

The animals turned out to be a flock of more than 150 life sized resin sheep painted in styles inspired by famous artists such as Van Gogh, Picasso and Andy Warhol. They were decorated by small groups of pupils, aged 5-16, from local schools to celebrate the refurbishment of the Cathedral Green.

The Flock, to give this splendid spectacle its proper name, is (sadly) no longer being exhibited on the green itself but can be seen inside the cathedral until 24 May.

My normal, cynical view of things will resume in my next post.

Victorian parenting … and feminism

Despite the fact that I find parenting stressful more often than not, on balance becoming stepmum to my partner’s two daughters has mostly added something positive to my life. It has given me new insight and made me look at the world differently. I enjoy sharing things with my stepdaughters and I like making them laugh but one of the things that troubles me about the role is the way that even though they are not yet teenagers they often – if not usually – challenge everything they are told to do (eg, Go to bed, Clean your teeth, Turn the television off now etc) and when the boundaries are confirmed will sometimes say, “But you’re allowed to do it…” or “You’re not going to bed”, as if children should be allowed to do exactly what adults do and not to allow them to do so is somehow mean and unfair.

The effect their attitude has on me is to make me feel I have to be a textbook perfect human who never does anything ‘wrong’ or ‘naughty’ and who always maintains ‘standards’ – because if I relax in their presence and do something that they are told not to do they will seize on it and use it against me in the future.

The question is, does doing things we tell our children not to do make us hypocrites? Or are we just bringing them up to be well-rounded decently behaved people with good manners – like ourselves – knowing that once they reach maturity they’ll understand why it isn’t ok to let the kids do everything they want?

I believe the latter. While I’m not a Victorian Parent, and I also appreciate that my stepdaughters are growing up in a different world to the one I was a child in, I think they have to learn about rules and the consequences of not sticking to them and also that there’s a lot to be said for being polite and respectful – not blindly – but that being able to express oneself properly will take you a long way in life. While screaming and shouting, refusing to do what you’re told and not bothering to do the things you know you have to do will, in adult life, lose you friends, jobs and many of the things that make life worth living.

I think I need to remind myself of that next time I worry about being a hypocrite. There are different rules for adults and children with good reason. Successful parenting is as much about saying no as it is about making sure no harm comes to your kids.

On another note, I wonder if having daughters – or stepdaughters – strengthens us as feminists or even creates feminists out of hitherto unengaged women.

I’ve been a feminist since I was around 18, or at least that’s when I discovered what feminism actually meant, but I feel an even stronger drive to do something to achieve equality for women now that I am a part of the lives’ of two girls who I desperately want to grow up as confident, capable, happy individuals who won’t be cowed or held back by the sexist attitudes still prevalent in society today.

I was lucky enough to be brought up to be incredibly confident and to believe there wasn’t much I couldn’t do if I wanted to. As a little girl, Wonder Woman was my hero. She inspired me and added to my growing confidence as a girl. I feel sad that my stepdaughters don’t have such a powerful, feminist role model today.

There is so much more in their childhood world than there was in mine (computers, internet, 24 hour television) but that seems to have diminished childhood and threatened to shorten it rather than enriched it. They are exposed to so many representations of womanhood and adulthood that it is virtually impossible to keep an eye on them all – but we owe it to our daughters to try and while it’s not a good idea to ban them from engaging in the modern world it doesn’t do any harm to switch off the adverts between TV shows and steer them away from things like pornified pop music videos.

The sexism in society today, in the early 21^st Century, seems to me as bad, and sometimes worse than, examples from 30 or 40 years ago albeit not as prevalent as it was then. It hasn’t arisen out of a vacuum. Whether it’s the product of our culture, or our culture gives it the oxygen of life, there IS something we can do about it and wanting to do something about it doesn’t mean you’re an hysterical, ugly, man-hating harridan.

It means you’re a confident woman, who respects herself and knows she has a right to be treated with respect by others and/or you’re a mother, stepmum, carer, auntie, nan, grandma, teacher or godmother to one or more girls who you want to grow up believing in themselves no matter what popular culture tells them.

If you want to read more about other women working to protect and inspire our daughters and all girls, here are a few links for you to follow.

http://www.pinkstinks.co.uk/

http://www.object.org.uk/home

http://sexperienceuk.channel4.com/stop-pimping-our-kids

http://www.scarylittlegirls.co.uk/about-us

http://www.newmoon.com/

http://blogs.newmoon.com/parent-girls/

Now, where are my Wonder Woman DVDs…? I’ve got a date with my stepdaughters.

Flat-chested children don’t need bras!

Last year I wrote a news story for The Guardian when I discovered that Marks and Spencer was selling bras for six-year-olds. They still sell these garments, but after my story was published they stopped calling them bras and changed the text on their website that had suggested they were a good way of getting girls used to wearing a bra.

The Marks and Spencer 'crop top' for girls aged 6-8

I wrote the story because I was shocked that anyone could think that flat-chested little girls were in any way in need of a bra and because of the connotations that go with wearing one.

We live in a society where most parents’ worst nightmare is the idea that someone might kidnap and/or sexually abuse their child. I don’t want to become part of the scaremonger brigade, because most of our kids will grow up safely without ever encountering that kind of horror. But given it’s a concern for so many parents, why do we put up with anything that sexualises children and makes them grow up too quickly?

I’m writing about this issue again because I recently met an eight-year-old friend of my stepdaughter’s who was wearing what she called a ‘trainer bra’ and who proceeded to tell me that it kept ‘her boobs nice and comfy’. I couldn’t stop myself from saying: “But you haven’t got any!”

I told the rather embarrassed looking kid that I’d written a story about such ‘bras’ for a newspaper and she looked even more embarrassed. She told me that she couldn’t recall if it had been her idea or her mum’s that she should begin wearing a trainer bra, but that it wasn’t a recently purchased garment. She had been wearing them for some time.

I know some will probably criticise me for singling out this little girl as an angle for my blog (some don’t even like me writing about my stepdaughters), but I was so shocked that I can’t stop thinking about it even now.

‘Boobs’ are not only a secondary sexual characteristic they signify that a female is no longer a child. Wearing a bra, similarly, demonstrates that one has gone, or is in the process of going, from childhood to adulthood. What does it mean for an eight year old to see herself this way, especially when she actually has no breasts yet. Does she imagine herself a woman in other ways? Does she feel a pressure to behave like a woman rather than a girl?

The implications of this are a minefield, not to mention the various studies – including Linda Papadopoulos’ Sexualisation of Young People Review – indicating that if children are pressured to view themselves as sexual from an early age they will suffer the consequences when they come of age. Ms Papadopoulos even highlights online games aimed at children which encourage sexualised behaviour and says that girls report being under increasing pressures to display themselves online in their ‘bra and knickers’ or bikinis which begs the question, will an eight-year-old, who sees herself as having boobs and needing to wear a bra, think it’s a cool to pose in said ‘bra’ if something on the internet suggests she should? And even if there are no unwanted consequences of children wearing these pseudo bras while they are still children, how might it affect their view of womanhood and of themselves once they are women?

Through being a stepmum I’ve learned just how much kids like to push boundaries and how difficult (and unfair) they find it that there are things that adults are allowed to do that children are forbidden to do – but if we don’t make the distinction how can we be sure that they’ll grow up safely and become the healthy, happy, capable adults we’d like them to be?

You can read Linda Papadopoulos’ report for yourself here: http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20100418065544/http://homeoffice.gov.uk/documents/Sexualisation-of-young-people.html

Irritating everyday sexism

I was walking through the town centre the other day when I spotted a new shop. I browsed its window display to see if it sold anything worthwhile and was confronted with this example of casual sexism (see pic below).

'Her Tools' - 6-Piece Ladies Tool Kit. Grrrr!

The contents were such an odd mix that it was obvious that the colour was designed to be the main selling point. As if women will buy something purely because it is pink (admittedly a con that many have already fallen for and/or bought into), or will be put off buying unless it is pink.

I would have been less annoyed had the tool selection been well thought out, but it was yet another crass money-maker rather than a ‘practical but pretty’ set. It included kitchen scissors, hammer, spirit level, tape measure, long nose pliers and an adjustable screwdriver that seemed to have a set of particularly obscure/useless heads.

I’ve had a tool bag since I left home and added to it over the years and none of the contents of ‘Her Tools’ were high on my list of priorities. It took me ten years to get to the point where I needed to buy a hammer, but my screwdriver set and adjustable spanners have regularly come in handy.

In the grand scheme of sexism this tool kit obviously scores low on the list of things we need to worry about, but at the same time it struck me as an example of the insidious nature of our culture which continues to quietly slip in these little suggestions that women aren’t equal and manages to do so mostly unchallenged.

Have you come across any examples of casual sexism while out shopping? What (if anything) did you do about them?

Boy beats girl…

I was waiting outside school with the dog the other afternoon, while my partner picked up one of his daughters, when I witnessed something horrifying. A girl, of maybe nine or ten, was being chased down the street by a boy around the same age. When he caught up with her, he grabbed her by the hair and began to kick her. My instant reaction was to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. He looked shocked and backed off. Both he and the girl stopped while I gave him a telling off about violent behaviour. I said it was wrong and he should never do it and told the girl she shouldn’t let him do it. I also threatened to tell his teacher and parents if I saw him doing it again. He looked suitably ashamed but the girl defiantly said to me: “It was fun though.” As if I was completely out of touch with what passed for fun these days.

I have no regrets about telling him off. Even though I didn’t know the children I think it’s every adult’s duty to speak up when they see what looks like a child being bullied and beaten up whoever the perpetrator is. In this instance, I also couldn’t help imagining the same scenario when these two kids were 20 years older and the thought of that horrified me – even more so because that little girl seemed to think it was perfectly ok to let a boy treat her like that.

Until I became a stepmother (nearly two-and-a-half years ago) I had no experience of kids. I had opinions about parenting and how to deal with children, but they were naïve as I had nothing practical to base them on other than having been a child myself. Now, with experience, I firmly believe that kids need moral guidance and strong role models if they are to grow up to be decent, well balanced, active members of society. If they aren’t set the right sort of example then they’ll grow up believing it is acceptable for a man to grab a woman’s hair and kick her and I don’t want my stepdaughters to have to live in that sort of world.

Links for further reading:

http://www.realmancampaign.com/

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

http://www.plan-uk.org/newsroom/fear-violence-plague-city-girls/

I AM a feminist but…

I’ve happily declared myself a feminist since around the age of 18. Not long before that though I incorrectly thought feminism was the belief that women are superior to men and that men are the enemy. But then my best pal and I discovered Lisa Tuttle’s Encyclopedia of Feminism in a bargain bookshop. Once this marvellous book put us straight we realised we were feminists and set about explaining to anyone who would listen that feminism was a good thing because it actually meant the belief that men and women are equal – and should be treated as such – rather than one or other being superior.

More than 18 years later I’m still a feminist and think we are living in times that require feminist activism more than ever. Occasionally though, I find myself worrying that my friends – especially the male ones – will consider me humourless if I express my opinion about certain aspects of feminism. This made me wonder if any other feminists (be they female or male) ever felt the same way? And what topics prompted this?

Equal pay, equal treatment in the workplace, equality under the law… all feel like fairly safe topics, but when it comes to sex – be it sexualised images of women, pornography or sexual violence against women I get the feeling that there are some who consider me a party pooper if I express my objection to the way women are exploited, mistreated, used and abused.

But that doesn’t mean I’ll be keeping my mouth shut and I hope you won’t either.

By way of example, a friend of mine recently attempted to start a debate about the restaurant chain ‘Hooters’ via her Facebook page, but instead of a fair, interesting and useful discussion her male friends contributed comments such as:

“Pfft shut up and show us your tits”

“I think a statistical sample is required. You should send a group of us 6 or 7 times!”

“Such matters need weighing up properly….in each hand”

One man posted this more useful link though http://www.ebcak.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/funny-picture-hooters-vs-feminists.jpg with the comment: “Here’s a view.”

I commented: “I must confess I don’t know much about Hooters though … from what I can tell it’s a burger bar that only employs female waiting staff with substantial breasts so that customers can ogle said bosoms while they eat. Is that right? Sounds like the exploitation of women to me. What shall we do about it?”

To which another man responded:

“They’re not slaves!, they are there on their own choice. If they want to they can leave … the fact they like me putting tips down the panties is there decision. That picture  [the one from the link above] … really says it all… Big fat feminist lesbian jeolous cuz the only job she could get in hooters is frying my curley fries in the kitchen so she decides to be a total fuckin looser and protest outside and try ruin everyone elses fun!” (sic).

Pic of Hooters Girls from http://behindblondiepark.com/

As I mentioned in the Facebook debate I had been blissfully unaware of ‘Hooters’ until my friend brought it up, but further research confirmed my initial impression that it is a burger restaurant that demands its mostly female staff (known as Hooters Girls) use ‘female sex appeal’ to entertain the customers. The Hooters Girl uniform consists of a white vest top, orange shorts and flesh coloured tights and there is a raft of rules and regulations that they must conform to relating to their appearance (referred to by the company as The Look).

The Smoking Gun website ran a piece about the original, US incarnation of the chain a few years back http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/so-you-wanna-be-hooters-girl and posted some pages from the company’s employee handbook including one it says Hooters Girls have to sign which is a statement accepting that their workplace is one in which “joking and innuendo based on female sex appeal is commonplace” and that they don’t find this “offensive, intimidating, hostile or unwelcome”. My reaction to this, and to the lengthiest comment from Facebook quoted above, is that some young women (and it seems to be predominantly young women that are Hooters Girls) will be so desperate for a job that they are prepared to waive their rights but signing a waiver only means you can’t complain. It doesn’t mean you agree that the conditions are acceptable, let alone desirable.

But I digress. The point I’m making is that those who criticise women for complaining, speaking out or protesting against things that reduces women, and the value of women as human beings, solely to their physical appearance are guilty of a double standard.

They argue that it is perfectly acceptable to leer at women who ‘freely’ choose a job such as being a Hooters Girl, but if we want to exercise our freedom to object to women being used as entertainment for men then we are “ruining everyone else’s fun”. Not only that, we are allegedly also jealous of women that they consider worthy of ogling. As if we are secretly or subconsciously motivated by a desire to be ogled but aren’t attractive enough (by their restrictive standards) to be worth looking at. Such views demonstrate the narrow-mindedness of those who express them and whether from friend or foe they need to be challenged.

I’ll be reminding myself of that next time I feel concern about seeming to be a killjoy just because I believe that women have a right to complain about being constantly presented as little more than sexual entertainment for men. As a feminist I can’t see what the so-called freedom to be leered at by customers in one’s workplace has got to do with equality.

• If you want to make up your own mind specifically on the question of whether Hooters exploits women you can read about the company on its own website: http://www.hooters.com/About.aspx.

I ♥ NY: Part Two

It is a month since I was in New York and I still haven’t totally got over what I thought was my post-holiday blues. I know when anyone goes on holiday and has a great time they usually come back singing the praises of wherever they’ve just been and talking about how they’d like to live there. I’ve done it enough times myself, but I’m wondering if this time it’s different?

The thing is, I had this feeling when I was in Manhattan of being at home. I looked around at the other people on the streets and the subway, or shopping in Daffy’s or Duane Reade and I felt a sense of belonging that I’ve rarely – if ever – experienced here in the UK.

It came back to me when I went out for a Friday night drink with my partner last week. There we were in this South Devon seaside town and I felt I needed to be more wary and on my guard than I had when I was in Manhattan. I quipped to The Man that it was because the NYPD seemed to be on every corner there and here it’s often the case that you only see a police officer when you’d prefer not to.

So, I’m still dreaming of being in Manhattan – although I’d need to take The Man with me if I was going to stay for any great length of time. Should you make it there before I return (or even if you don’t) here’s a tip for a nice, low key, place to eat. It’s downtown, not that far from Ground Zero: Roxy Coffee Shop, 20 John St (between Broadway and Nassau St). It’s classic New York, ‘looks basic but has a huge menu and takes food seriously. I recommend the ‘Create your own Salad’, which was a huge, hearty but healthy dish. Fast and friendly service too. Just beware that finding the restroom is a bit of an initiative test – but the staff are normally more than willing to show you the way. You can even order online (except for Sunday nights): http://www.roxycoffeeshop.com/

Pic from www.midtownlunch.com

Another thing Roxy Coffee Shop has going for it is that it’s close to the Cortlandt St branch of Century 21, which is a great place to shop for discount designer clothing, souvenirs at bargain prices and a host of other merchandise. My two best bargains were an I♥NY tote bag for $7.95 (about £6) and a Wonder Woman watch for less than $10 (about £7). Discounted though the designer threads were they were still way out of my price range. As a benchmark it isn’t unheard of for me to shell out £60 (approx $90) on a skirt or £100 (approx $150) on a pair of boots. I enjoyed fondling the fur coats here too, even though I couldn’t afford one.

Pic from http://fashionbombdaily.com/

Until my next visit I am surviving on memories of my last, episodes of Sex & the City and reading Lynne Tillman’s ‘No Lease on Life’ – a bleak but funny book set in the East Village. Sigh.